I walked into my house a couple weeks ago and had this moment of perspective. I saw bookshelves filled with books I've never read, but refused to give away for some unknown reason. I saw clothes that I will never wear again infecting the walls of my closet. I saw half finished photography projects, lenses, and photos strewn about my room in no logical fashion. I opened the door to my storage room and saw... things. Old phones, my (large) keychain collection, notes friends had written me from years ago, a box of lightbulbs, some pencils, old ID's, glass figurines, college ruled notebooks filled with notes from courses half a decade ago, kick knacks and vacation gifts, and random leaves I've collected and dried throughout the seasons. The reason I hold onto things isn't because I think I'll need them in the future, it's because things connect me to the past and help me remember who I was. I saw all these things, these 'memories' chaotically strewn about and I thought to myself: "Brock, your life is a mess." For the weeks that followed, every day I would come home, see everything, and be reminded of how much of a mess my life was, until yesterday. Last night as I sat on my bed, feeling completely overwhelmed with the state of my life and trapped by my obvious inability to compartmentalize or organize anything, I realized I was wrong. Slowly, I walked down the stairs to my basement storage room, stood on the center wood floorboard panel, and stared at all my stuff. I didn't need anything in that room. I hated the fact that I kept it all. There is no part of my being that wanted or wants to retain excess 'stuff', but I was terrified to let go and throw those bookmarks-to-memories away. I felt trapped by myself. I stood in the same place for a long time until I finally took a big breath, pointed to all my stuff and screamed at the top of my lungs: "THIS IS NOT ME."
And then I gathered up my stuff, took a few photos of it all, and threw it in the trash.
Life is a crazy journey. I've traveled a long way but the backdrop of my life travels has always been this community. It was here that I realized I loved photography; It was here where I ran into that parked car and broke my arm that one time; I was here when I discovered I was gay; I was here when hid in the closet and learned to hate myself; I was here when I came out; and I am here right now, learning how to let go of the feelings of stress and anxiety that I thought I deserved. Learning who I am and unshackling myself from all the things holding me back so I can finally learn how to live.... proud.
Today is Champaign-Urbana's pride festival, and as my way of expressing my gratitude to this community, I made a few photos.
