I wrote the words below this paragraph months ago, but they still ring true today. In the future I will have more to say about who I am in the present, but until then I am leaving this entry in plan. I hope what I have to say here will help you the reader understand a bit more about my perspective on life. Isn't that what photography is all about anyways?

Historically, I have rarely ever shown the work I am most proud of. I was terrified my best work wouldn't be good enough because I didn't believe I was good enough to make something that wasn't completely worthless. It's sad, quite often I upload rejected photographs to various social networks, leaving the best ones on my hard drive for only me to see. But that wasn't the only thing I was hiding. It's curious how a single, small, secret can infect your mind. It can change the course of your life and cause you to venomously hate every single part of yourself and believe you will never be good enough.

Nobody taught me to directly hate myself as a child. It wasn't part of my moms homeschool curriculum, nor was it integrated into the Sunday School classes at church. Make no mistake, things were said in both institutions that resulted in me hating myself, but ultimately I take responsibility for my own thoughts. Blaming people is a waste of time and emotion, but objectively sometimes I wonder whether people understand the lasting effect a few words can have on a persons life. I won't forget the time in 6th grade a fill-in youth minister for my families' church, sat in front of the Middle School youth group and spouted off various facts and scriptures to support his belief that Homosexuality was a mental disorder. It was then that I realized something was very wrong with me, and that I wasn't good enough. From that moment until I was 20, I busied myself, constructing an impenetrable wall and guarding the secret of who I really was by cultivating a lie. I played the part of a straight, innocent, oblivious, homeschooled ministers kid; hoping I would believe the lie myself if I stuck with it long enough. That never happened. The lie was good enough to fool most people, but it never fooled me. My cover just wasn't good enough for that. No matter how hard I tried, how long I cried, or how loud I prayed; I never changed. My inability to change resulted in a very difficult, and very angry adolescent boy. I hated who I was and I hated how I hurt other people, but I didn't believe I was good enough to ever change. These thoughts infected every aspect of my life. My ambition, once free spirited and active, lay trampled on the ground. I still had hobbies I was passionate about, but I was terrified to show anyone my best work. Years passed. My computer filled up with thousands and thousands of photographs I took. My notebooks, filled with graphics, ideas, and thoughts that excited me were left in my room. I knew they weren't good enough because I wasn't good enough. I remember thinking: "Even if people like my work, or me, it's because they don't know what I'm hiding or who I really am. Nobody would ever like me if they found out who I really was."

I was terrified.

Terrified of who I was.

Terrified people might like me and my work because they didn't know who I really was.

Terrified people would hate me and my work because I wasn't good enough.

Terrified I would never be good enough.

but then something changed...

I came out when I finally realized being in the closet was hurting more than just me. After I came out to my close friends, my self hatred started shrinking. Confidence especially showed itself this February when I finally came out to my family. It hasn't been an easy road; I definitely made some mistakes with how I handled my family, but coming out was the best thing that has happened in my life so far. For the first time in god knows how long, I'm not hopeless and I don't hate myself. I don't have to worry about my stupid 'cover' anymore. I'm able to focus more on the things and projects in my life that actually matter.

Only after I came out was I able to realize what a waste of time worrying about 'not being good enough' is. If I continue to worry about that, my ambition is still rooted in a lack of self confidence. That's not how I want to live. I need to embrace all of who I am, including my imperfections.

I treat the work on this website as an extension of who I am. I am a 23 year old photographer, horticulturist, nerd, thinker, ideas person that secretly aspires to be a rockstar. I also happen to be gay. I know my sexual orientation shouldn't matter, but it definitely does. Growing up in the closet meant I always thought I could never be the person I wanted to be. That mindset was not isolated to the type of relationship I desire; it infected every part of my life and it made me truly believe I was worthless and couldn't ever achieve anything. This website exists because I no longer believe that. It is a testament to me embracing my work and being proud of who I am: every part of me. Including the fragment sentences. My fear of imperfection is still very much present, but I refuse to let it stop me from starting.

And that is why I am here to fully admit and accept that this "about" section of my website is not good enough. It's far too wordy, the grammar is atrocious, and I have the vocabulary of an 8th grader. But right now, today, on August 10th, 2013, this is the best I have.

My name is Brock Adam Orr, and this is my website.